One day you're going to wake up. Everything will be normal. Your day will all-in-all be uneventful, and then you'll meet someone that will change the course of your entire day in a drastic way. Perhaps even the course of your life. I never would have thought that the answers that Bobbi gave to me, and the conversation we had sitting on a front porch, blanketed in the southern humidity, would have impacted me so much. The greatness of her answers is found in her raw honesty. That itself was enough to make me look further inward. How honest am I being? I try to be, but how well do I show my own vulnerability.
Sometimes there just seams to be more of a reason for things. I wouldn't call it pre-destination. Maybe it's the natural flow of the universe and energies coming together to create a circuit. Whatever the case, had Bobbi taken part in Project 104 at any other time she may have answered entirely differently. The time in which out paths crossed and these questions were asked and answered were like hitting a bullseye.
Connections like this are why I am a portrait photographer. They are the reason for my fascination with all of humanity and what drives me forward as an artist. They're so very rare. Even when you're constantly looking for them.
I really do encourage you to read what she had to say. Bobbie answered these questions with a vulnerable and honest heart. We should all live our lives in this way. I think we'd find a lot more love and commonality.
Love Aimlessly, my friends
What gets you out of bed everyday?
Ah.. shit… You’ve hit me in a weird time in my life to answer that questing. Right now I have so many things going on and none of em are finishing. A bunch of projects and a bunch of loose ends and I don’t know which one to put all of my effort in or which I’m excited about. I just haven’t been excited to wake up. I get up because I feel like I have to get up right now. I get out of bed because of my anxiety and I feel like I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I should be doing first. I’m just a ball of confusion. Yeah… I don’t… I don’t… …it’s sad, but I don’t know why right now.
Maybe some days I have a phone call or a meeting that I’m excited about but that’s very situational. To be completely honest, I have been in a very dark place and I would just rather it go dark sometimes and that’s it. It’s just been a bad year. I’ve been battling it and I’ve had good months and bad months. It was really really bad last fall and I just took off. I was just hitchhiking across Alaska and Europe and just fucking ending up in fucked up places and just didn’t give a fuck. I just wanted something bad to happen to me, cause the thought of killing yourself is so selfish. I just wanted to drift away somehow. I was just doing crazy weird shit. I met a fisherman and then I’m on a sea plane in a fucking storm and drinking whiskey. “Oh okay. Well I guess this is how I’m goin’ out. That’s cool.” There’s a gun and a bottle of whiskey and I’m in a flying trashcan with water coming in. This kid is like 21 years old, wearing his paint-covered Carhartts
and we’re in his dad’s sea plane so he can take me to some glacier I wanted to see. I’m like, “Okay kid, if we’re seriously going down let me know cause I’d rather Yosemite Sam it to my death shooting this gun and chugging this whiskey and just jump out and have my body break against the water and that be that. I don’t wanna go down in this plane”.
I was putting myself in those kinds of dangerous situations and just like “I don’t give a shit.” I didn’t give a shit. I didn’t give a fucking shit!
It was the same thing in Europe. I would just meet people, make friends and stay with them, but I just didn’t want to ‘be’ and I didn’t have a reason to wake up here[Nashville].
That’s why I moved here and then everything fell apart. I didn’t have a job. I couldn’t find anything. I’d put stuff out on there and hope to find something but I couldn't just fucking sit here. I didn’t want to be in Nashville, going fucking nuts, so I just kept moving. I just kept traveling and going.
This obviously wasn’t helping because you know… You need to “plant your roots” and make connections and meet people for something to happen. Now I’ve been here for the longest yet. I mean, for years it’s just always been “I’m out. I’m out” Just going places and I’m starting to feel like I don’t know why.
As far as getting out of bed, I just don’t have a reason right now. I want a purpose. I feel like I have talents and ideas and I have a purpose and I’m either wasting it by not focusing and just spreading myself too thin or I’m not doing what I should be doing with the things that are given to me. That’s where I’m at right now. I don’t have that ‘thing’. I want it. I have plenty of ideas that could be that thing. I could wake up and get to work on my show or any of theses things that I’ve written… I just need one of those things to have a reason to wake up right now. Beyond that it’s great conversation, and I’m obviously in love. I love Trent and I want to wake up and hang out with him. If it wasn’t for him right now, I probably would’ve… Ha. He makes me laugh and I need someone to just fucking make me laugh. I feel like I used to be a funny person. A silly person. Very silly, but I either just got kind of jaded or just lost it. But that reason to wake up right now… I’m waking up early… and I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’m looking for that reason to wake up.
To date, what is the greatest lesson you’ve learned?
I think anything that has been the best shit I’ve worked on and is worth having is always when you go past that threshold of comfort. Past the point where people want to be there and they want to wrap up and go home. Anything that’s worth doing is hard. You do all the work to make this one thing happen and you have to push beyond that to make something great, I think.
A business for example. You do all of that work to get it open and then you may not be busy right away. You gotta push past. For most places it take 2 years, but you did all that work to get it open and you expect that success right now. Anything that’s worth dong is not fucking easy and anything that’s creatively worth doing you have to push beyond the comfort. Anything that I’ve done that’s good… it’s always past the comfort zone. I do get scared to push others past the comfort zone. It’s hard to do and you don’t want to burn people out. I always want to keep people happy but anything I’ve done that’s been good has been past that comfort zone. Anything that I’ve compromised was never as good.
Right now I’m telling myself “You’re too fucking comfortable! You’re depressed and you’re lounging at the Cowboy. You’re broke. You need to be burnin the midnight oil again! Up all night fucking writing. You have the ideas!”
You know. I need to push myself to that insanity point and just be uncomfortable. Be un-fucking-comfortable. I should probably give up this place in live in my fucking van right now. I should do that. I don’t have the means to keep this house. I want it. I’m at a point in my life where… I’m not 20. I’m fucking 33… I wanna have a home. I wanna have things to come back to. I want to nest. I don’t want to give that up. But what should I do? I should live in my van right now. I should be up all night working and push myself. Not that I’m not right now. I’m uncomfortable in other ways but not the ways I need to be.
What is love?
Oh… These are all hard ones! These are all things that have been weighing on me so much recently that this is all funny. One, I really hate having my picture taken right now. I feel like I’m just the worst version of myself. So it’s funny that I was just like “Yeah! I’ll do it!” and then said to myself “What do you mean “you’ll do it”. Right now I don’t even like looking in the mirror. I just hate that person so it was funny that I said ‘yes’ to do this. Then all of your questions are exactly what I’ve been mulling over in my brain so it’s all pretty funny. Well… not funny at all but it needed to happen and the universe was like “Hey. Guess what…” DING!
So, that’s a question that I’ve been thinking about. More so how I process love. I feel like I fall in love… I’m a Scorpio. Scorpios just fall in love. I can tell in five minutes if I love you and I love a lot of people. I even love the shit. The bad things about people. The shit other people hate because i find it endearing. I end up loving them for their bag of bullshit. I like to build people up.
Do you weigh? Like “Do you love this person more than I love that person?” I don’t think I do. I think I just love hard, always. If I didn’t see you for 15 years and you showed up on my doorstep and needed a place to stay and we talked all night I’d probably fall back in love with you again. In a second. You know.. I’d take you in, cause I love you.
I know that it’s very powerful, and I get very negative towards myself right now, but I know that just ‘love’… and this sounds so touchy-feely, but whatever… Love is a feeling that I should be filling myself with more. I know that it’s healing. I’ve felt it heal me. If I would start to actually love myself I would probably be in a lot better state. Obviously people tell you “you gotta love yourself and your body is a temple.” yeah… I know. I know that. I need to take care of myself.
Do a little yoga. Take time away from everyone else.
I know that that emotion that I’ve shown others can help me too.
I give all of this love out and help others and I don’t know why I can’t believe in doing that for myself. I need to start figuring that out. I detest myself at the moment. I hate hearing myself talk. Like right now… I fucking hate it…. and I need to figure that stuff out. I know that love is powerful. I’ve seen it do amazing things! It’s magic. Love is an energy like anything else. It’s just like positive in, positive out. Negative in, negative out. I need to love myself more. Love is an energy and it’s healing.
Tent loves the fuck out of me. I can whole-heartedly say that that man loves me more than anyone he’s loved in his life. When he know’s I’m having nerve pain and he rubs my legs and back I literally feel better. It’s energy. He’s giving me love. I know that sounds hippie but I feel it. I honestly feel better.
It’s a force and an energy that we all have and we just don’t realize how great it is.
About Bobbi :
33 years old
Art Director, Writer, Producer, DJ, Artist
From Steamboat Springs, CO
Lives in Nashville, T
What we were listening to: